Lies I’ve Told My Child: Part ONE

childI’ve told my child a ton of lies. I mean, really, it is damn near pathological at this point. Most of my lies are silly and tend toward keeping whatever funny game we’re playing going. But some of the lies are more about keeping my son safe and healthy. If I have to tell him that his spinach frittata is made from goblin snot – and he buys it – then that is the story we all swear by around here. He is starting to figure this lying game out. I am having to get more creative in my explanations for the world around him. Sometimes I even tell the truth. Just don’t tell him that…

On Brushing Teeth:

If you don’t brush your teeth then they will get holes in them and the dentist will have to come and pull them out! What do you mean you don’t believe me?! It’s true! Just last Tuesday the dentist called me right after you went to bed to ask me if you brushed your teeth and when I said that you did not he asked me to schedule an appointment. What do you think I should tell him the next time he calls?

Open your mouth. Open your mouth. Ahhhhhhhhh…See? Like this. Now open your mouth. I am NOT kidding! Open your mouth! What do you mean you “won’t”? Do you know what happens to kids who refuse to brush their teeth?! Little bad attitude germs show up and eat giant holes in your teeth! Then they make your mouth stink! Then they tell all their germ friends to come over and set up camp in your mouth! What? No, we’re not going camping. Ugh…open your mouth. Now.

Ok, Ok, Ok…listen…if you brush your teeth then I will let you fly through the house like superman with your red cape. No, you can’t eat more chocolate. Because I said so. Because chocolate is sugary. Oh, for Pete’s Sake! Just open your mouth!

You know, kids who follow directions like “brush your teeth” with no fuss get to have special treats. Well, like rides to the moon. Ok, fine not the moon. How does a piggy-back ride sound? Of course not…

On Having A Little Brother:

Listen, you can’t lick the baby’s head. Why not? Because if you do he will melt, just like witches. No, your brother is not a witch. It’s just that he is made of sugar and sugar melts. Why are you laughing? This is serious business, kid.

Don’t shine the flashlight in your brother’s eyes. Why? Because it hurts him. Yes, it is just like hitting his eyeballs with the light…good point, so don’t do it. (3 minutes later) Give me that flashlight.

Why does your brother poop so much? Well, I guess he does it to make you laugh. You can thank him in 3 years when he is old enough to find that funny.

Look, I understand that you are completely convinced that your 2 month old brother just loves scrambled eggs and asked you to give him some, but I’m telling you, babies don’t eat eggs. Why not? Because that’s what the owner’s manual said. See? It says so right here. Oh, you can’t read yet? Well, I guess you’re going to have to take my word on it.

No, you’re little brother did not tell you that it was OK to jump off the couch like a peregrine falcon. How do I know? Well, I have eyes and ears everywhere and I can read minds.

On Modesty:

You gotta pee? Great! I’m glad you told me! Oh…you mean right here?! We’re in the middle of downtown! Holy crap, kid, pull your pants back up! (10 minutes later) Now, listen, we don’t pee on streets. Why? Well, because we have class and classy people don’t pee in the middle of downtown. What is class? Oh, well it means you have good manners like keeping your pants on public. Because if you don’t have good manners then people will think you live with wolves. Oh, you do live with wolves? Please stop howling. Ok, fine…just howl quietly. OhForTheLoveOfPete!

You know, if you wipe boogers on your arm like that then your arm will grow slimy and fall right off. Yes it will. Yes it will. Yes it will too. Ok, fine it won’t. Seriously, use a tissue, kid. My arm is not a tissue.

© Sarah Cottrell and and Housewife Plus, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Cottrell and and Housewife Plus with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sarah Cottrell

About Sarah Cottrell

Maine-based writer Sarah Cottrell is the voice behind Housewife Plus at the Bangor Daily News and is a regular contributor to Disney’s Babble and Momtastic. She is a co-author in six books including I Still Just Want To Pee Alone from the New York Times Bestselling series. Sarah’s work has also been highlighted and featured by SELF Magazine, National Public Radio, Washington Post, and VICE Tonic.