15 Ridiculous expectations for Mother’s Day

bloggycakeThere are two days in the year that I look forward to the most, my birthday and Mother’s Day. In my family it is understood that Mom essentially gets these two selfish days off without question. Inevitably something in the plan goes awry and I end up manning the Mother station anyway.

In my wild fantasy Mother’s Day should mean that as the Mom I ought to be entitled to a few simple pleasures. I have earned some niceties after all, I mean, I do get pooped on, spit up on, complained at, laughed at, and yelled at every single day. Not to mention the countless small acts of love I commit to that go totally unnoticed like cleaning the darn toilet or always buying the cereal that everyone else likes but that I can’t choke down.

So, this year, I put my make-believe Mother’s Day expectations together in one neat and tidy list. Let’s hope the husband is paying attention. Here we go…My 15 ridiculous Mother’s Day expectations are:

1) That I will get to sleep in without interruption. Do you hear that, Loud Child? I would like to not be jumped on, poked in the eye, or whisper-yelled at.

2) That I will get to go to the bathroom by myself. Alone. Sans small children and family dog. Don’t even think about opening the door, and no yelling through the door, please.

3) That my coffee will be hot by the time I drink it. Let me be clear that when I say hot I am more than 100% sure that I do not mean lukewarm.

4) That I won’t have to share my fancy breakfast. It is my bacon.

5) That I will get a fancy breakfast. And it will have bacon.

6) That I will not have to clean a child. This means no wiping anything dirty off a child. No changing clothes or cleaning up pee from the floor because Speedy McGee missed.

7) Or feed a child. That’s right! The kitchen will be closed, baby!

8) Or cook or clean or sort or fold or wash or sweep or any other Mom duty that is unpleasant.

9) That I will immediately recognize or understand what my child-made gift is. If it is not totally obvious then please give me a heads up so that I don’t emotionally scar my child when I guess wrong.

10) That I will complete a conversation on the phone. This includes not being pulled or tugged at, or having a chorus of children suddenly appear where they were not just a moment ago.

11) That I will have cake. A chocolate cake. With a side of wine. And more cake. (And more wine.)

12) That I will take a bath while enjoying a glass of nice wine. And possibly cake. With no interruptions like yelling through the door (see number 2…and number 11)

13) That I will not have to do the dishes. I realize I am being redundant with the cleaning items here, but seriously, no dishes, kay?

14) That I won’t be in charge of keeping the peace. You read that right. If Boy Wonder throws the mother of all tantrums then I will actively seek out a place to hide until it blows over. Be prepared.

15) That I will be spoiled all the livelong day. OK, obviously this one is the most ridiculous expectation, but what the heck. I will go right ahead and define spoiled as doing whatever I please, which may or may not include leaving messes for you to clean up!

Now, Mama’s, it is your turn! What are some of your wishes for Mother’s Day? Let’s get crazy and wild with the Mom fantasies here and leave some comment love!

Sarah Cottrell

About Sarah Cottrell

Maine-based writer Sarah Cottrell is the voice behind Housewife Plus at the Bangor Daily News and is a regular contributor to Disney’s Babble and Momtastic. She is a co-author in six books including I Still Just Want To Pee Alone from the New York Times Bestselling series. Sarah’s work has also been highlighted and featured by SELF Magazine, National Public Radio, Washington Post, and VICE Tonic.