An exercise conversion chart for moms

momworkoutI am, by all accounts, the laziest Mom I know when it comes to physical fitness. Don’t be fooled by my Lose The Weight board on Pinterest. Judging by the 423 pins on there you would think I’m sporting some chiseled girly abs by now, but no. I’m not. I’m sporting a wine belt and a serious – and probably unhealthy – fondness for midnight pints of ice cream.

Couch to 10k? No thanks. I’m more of a couch to the laundry room, to the backyard, back to laundry room, into the kitchen, back to the laundry room, break up a toddler fiasco, into the kitchen, eye up the couch, curse under my breath on my way back to the damn laundry room…kind of girl.

You know, I think that whole 30 minutes of exercise a day stuff is crazy. Whoever came up with this rule clearly never had kids. I do not have time to change, workout, shower, and then change again. I’m lucky if I remember to change my pants a mere once a day.

It seems to me that chasing my toddler who just stole a spatula from the kitchen in order to whack his little brother burns more calories than say, 20 minutes on an Elliptical machine. With this Mom logic in mind, I came up with this easy-peasy system to figure out what a basic 30-minute mom workout looks like.

This Is Equal To This
Picking Up Toys Stretching/Warm Up
Laundry/Vacuuming/Dishes Arobics/Zumba/Jazzercise
Pacing and Bouncing a Baby to Sleep Jogging on a Treadmill
Placing an Angry Toddler in Timeout Wrestling
Taking Two Kids To The Grocery Store Flipping Tires/1,000 Pull Ups
Surfing The Web While Kids Nap Yoga/Cool Down
Drinking wine and complaining to a girlfriend or husband about your day Meditation/Spiritual Cleansing

Since any fit person knows that a decent workout is followed up with specific nutrition guidelines to help maintain a healthy weight, it only seems fitting that I address what passes as my “diet plan”.

This Is Equal To This
Coffee (day)/Wine (day & night) Water (all the damn time)
Breakfast: Donuts or Kid Cereal Breakfast: Cardboard
Lunch: Whatever the kids didn’t eat Lunch: Cardboard and Salad
Dinner: Dinner was a Pinterest fail so Mom ordered pizza. Since that kind of counts as eating out (and therefore a special treat) Mom picked up an extra bottle of wine and a pint of ice cream. Dinner: Something boiled and with kale

 

Sarah Cottrell

About Sarah Cottrell

Maine-based writer Sarah Cottrell is the voice behind Housewife Plus at the Bangor Daily News and is a regular contributor to Disney’s Babble and Momtastic. She is a co-author in six books including I Still Just Want To Pee Alone from the New York Times Bestselling series. Sarah’s work has also been highlighted and featured by SELF Magazine, National Public Radio, Washington Post, and VICE Tonic.