Moms just don’t understand

beachSometimes I have to take a step back and reassess my lot in this motherhood gig. My Loud Child is ridiculously smart and is never more than a stern 1,2,3 warning away from timeout thanks to his disastrous mix of curiosity and audacious defiance of the house rules.

Today he said this: “Mom, you just don’t unnerstand.” And then he stomped off into the living room where he built a trampoline out of the couch cushions. He wanted to launch himself into space. Literally.

I don’t unnerstand.

Does this mean I’ve hit that parenting milestone?! Am I out of touch with youth?! Am I now the embarrassing mom person who stalks in the background, lurking to see if Loud Child has changed his underwear or washed his hands or said please?

I remember saying this mumbo-jumbo crap to my own mother. And I meant it. I’m not sure I’m ready for this. But then, my child does a lot of crazy stuff around my house. And to be fair, I really do spend an inordinate amount of time threatening the kid to spend eternity in timeout if he doesn’t cutitoutrightnow!!

Take these recent exploits for example:

  • Used a plastic baseball bat to whack a mosquito off my leg (ouch!)
  • Ran stark naked through the garden because he wanted, “to collect flower dust like the bees and make honey!”
  • Poured water into a paper grocery bag to see if it would make the bag float from the inside.
  • Climbed up into a window to hoot at the morning doves outside.
  • Dumped ALL the clean laundry onto the floor so he could, “build a cozy nest!”
  • Told his grandmother that he lives with her now because mom, “won’t let me do whatever I want all day long!”
  • Requested that dad explain to mom that, “Ice cream is a for real good-for-you food and I can eat it for dinner because that would make me happy and you’re supposed to want me to be happy, right?!”
  • Sprayed me with the flipping garden hose.
  • Collected a pile of worms from the garden to make a worm zoo.
  • Asked me, “Is Grammy a villain?”

To him, I must seem old and stern. It is true that I am starting to hear my own mother’s voice emanating from my mom voice when I holler my son’s full name. But I don’t feel old. I just feel like I am stuck behind the scenery of Mom Land stuff like wiping bottoms, 73 loads of daily laundry, grocery fetching, rule citing, and heavy sighs.

Sarah Cottrell

About Sarah Cottrell

Maine-based writer Sarah Cottrell is the voice behind Housewife Plus at the Bangor Daily News and is a regular contributor to Scary Mommy, Disney’s Babble, and Momtastic. Sarah runs a popular Facebook page, @Housewifeplus where readers laugh and share stories from the parenting trenches. She is a co-author in several books including I Still Just Want To Pee Alone from the New York Times Bestselling series. Sarah’s work has also been highlighted and featured by SELF Magazine and National Public Radio.