Sarah Cottrell Roasts The Wonder Pets

I have been a big fat huge fan of Nicole Leigh Shaw’s Ninja Mom Blog for a while. Nicole is a sassy writer who can out wit some of the best humorists on the block. So when I heard through the mom blogosphere that she was looking for submissions for her famous Character Assassination Carousel, I nearly fell over. And when she said yes to my pitch to roast a TV show instead of a children’s book…well…I did a happy dance.

If you are new to the Character Assassination Carousel then let me give you a quick tour. Each month a new blogger gets to roast a children’s book. Any beloved book by any beloved children’s author can find itself on the chopping block. This is a fabulous and hysterically funny way for parents to vent their frustrations over the crappy antics of goons like Llama Llama, Peppa Pig, and even The Giving Tree.

Before you get excited to sit back and watch me roast the life out of The Wonder Pets, click over to the hilarious It’s Really 10 Months, run by three of the funniest women in the blogosphere, Kim Schenkelberg, Celeste Snodgrass, and Natalie Guenther. Last month they took on The Boy Who Looked Like Lincoln, which had me laughing so hard I mom*peed! You can check out their roast here:

Next month be sure to check out  Erin of Social Butterfly Mom! 

And now, I am beyond proud to bring you my Character Assassination Carousel: The Wonder Pets!

I recall with great fondness my adoration of Punky Brewster when I was a kid. She had the coolest clothes, said the coolest things, and had the coolest attitude about everything. I wanted to be her. Meanwhile, my budding Brewster-tude was driving my poor mother stupid with plots to eradicate that show from prime time.

Skip ahead thirty-ish years and you will find me scurrying around my house in desperate search of earplugs and Cabernet when the whiney sing-song voices of The Wonder Pets hits the air. My kid LOVES that awful show. And guess what? I hate it. I smirk at the TV with visions of rattraps dancing in my head.

Haven’t seen it? The Wonder Pets are three classroom pets (a gerbil, a turtle, and a chick) that turn into super hero’s and fly around in a “fly boat” made out of marker caps and what I assume is a soap dish. The tweedle-dee, la-dee-da trio of moronic superpests swoop in with their celery sticks and lispy made-up words to solve nonexistent problems: an owl stuck in a tree, a fish trapped in water, and a dog in its own house to name a few.

Annoying as ferk.

My kid has picked up these 4 irritating habits from The Wonder Pets that I hope – fingers crossed – are part of one giant obnoxious phase that I can coax out of him with bribery and pleading.

Tinkle Talk
Thanks so much, you fleabag dillholes, for teaching my child to replace the letter ‘r’ with the letter ‘w’ in every single word that he utters. But you couldn’t stop there with your assault on the English language, you had to take it a step further and replace every nonirritating word with baby-ese. Now my preschooler, who once politely asked to, use the bathroom instead informs anyone within earshot that he has to pee peewee wee, or tinkle. To add insult to verbal injury, you taught him to add a vowel sound at the end of that last word, so tinkLe is now tink-oow.

Team Work Is The Same As A Misdemeanor
When you saved the puppy – who had to wee wee – from his own house you taught my child that breaking and entering is totally a legit excuse to do whatever you want so long as you are saving the day. So now my son runs at a breakneck speed through my house bursting through doors to save anyone on the other side. Why? Because he is saving the day. I FINALLY GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM ALONE and my kid bursts through the door hollering at me about how he needed to save me from wee weeing and that this was see-wee-us business. Really, Wonder Arse Hats? Thanks.

Passive Aggressive Forgetfulness
The most irritating character in the trio of this kiddie rodent roundup is Ming Ming, the lispy chick with a bratty attitude. Ming Ming seems to forget her (his? its?) manners in every episode. Anytime Ming Ming is supposed to share, wait her-his-its turn, or remember a step in the plan to save the freaking day you can be sure to hear that condescending little turd bust out with a phony ingenuous laugh followed by a passive aggressive oh, I fuh-got! You know what the take-away was for my kid? He uses that stupid line to get out of trouble. He pinched his brother? Oh! Ha ha! He fuh-got that we don’t pinch. He didn’t like his dinner so he snuck it to the dog – under the table? No problem, he just fuh-got the house rules again.

Everyone Needs An Intervention
The Wonder Pets fly around the world saving animals from unimaginable peril. In one episode a bullfrog was sitting next to a pond and required an emergency evacuation. Fish in water, owls in trees, unicorns in magical lands, you name it and those dastardly rodents have intervened just in the nick of time. It is so important to teach children that natural environments are hazardous death traps that require unnecessary exit strategies. Similarly, my son now intervenes at every chance he gets. He dug up my flowerbeds trying to save worms from being buried in dirt. He trapped our cat under a laundry basket to save him from being chased by the dog.

I would love to see an episode where The Wonder Pets fail at saving the day! Imagine those annoying little turds getting the snot beat out of them by a herd of sea lions when they try to save the sea lions from water or try to teach them how to share fish. Imagine watching them shiver in fear when a charging bull is chasing them after stupidly trying to teach the bull anger management.

In the meantime, I’m making up new and completely inappropriate lyrics for the incredibly annoying theme song so that I can sing along in my head and smile while my son is happily watching his favorite show.

Sarah Cottrell

About Sarah Cottrell

Maine-based writer Sarah Cottrell is the voice behind Housewife Plus at the Bangor Daily News and is a regular contributor to Disney’s Babble and Momtastic. She is a co-author in six books including I Still Just Want To Pee Alone from the New York Times Bestselling series. Sarah’s work has also been highlighted and featured by SELF Magazine, National Public Radio, Washington Post, and VICE Tonic.