The annual holiday identity crisis starts now

Thank you candy companies for making the concept of time exceedingly more difficult to explain to my child. Just when I thought that teaching my kid to read time on both digital and analog clock faces was hard enough, Hershey’s had to waltz in and throw a monkey wrench into the logic behind the calendar.

I walked into the grocery store the other day and was confronted by a six-foot high wall of candy. Halloween candy. Until a few hours ago it was still August and so I am sure anyone can understand why I stood in the doorway with a mystified look of stupid on my face while the automatic door repeatedly swung open and shut behind me.

The weather is still hot, sticky, and thundery outside. I don’t see leaves piling up on my front lawn yet. Nor do I feel the need to wear pants let alone sweaters and wool mittens. So why am I being advertised at to purchase Halloween candy 61 days early? Is there going to be a run on Mars bars that I’m not in-the-know about?

When did holidays get into this much of a rat race to grab my money that they are now being prepared for in the wrong seasons? Halloween is fall. Christmas is winter. My birthday is all of March. I’m still trying to eat all the damn hotdogs I bought in April in preparation for my Labor Day weekend BBQ bash.

At the rate that this spastic attitude toward the calendar is going it won’t be long before holidays get entirely twisted or substituted or mutated into wholly unrecognizable events.

Soon we’ll be shopping for pumpkin spice margaritas for our polar bear pool parties. TV ads will start showing slutty reindeer costumes for our ghoulish yuletide keggers. Kids will be running around in October looking for brightly colored eggs filled with love notes and fireworks.

Enough is enough!

I’m not shopping for Halloween candy while the temperatures are still so high that I have boob sweat. I’m not going to wait up until 3AM to participate in door buster savings before the turkey comes out of the oven. And I’m not celebrating my real age for at least another 20 years.

Besides, it’s still ice cream season. I have no time for Halloween candy. Not yet, anyway.

Sarah Cottrell

About Sarah Cottrell

Sarah Cottrell is a member of the Stay-At-Home-Mom Club and proud herder of two loud boys. She earned her MFA in 2012 and then accidentally washed it in a load of laundry. Sarah's work can be found on popular websites like Mamalode, BlogHer, and Scary Mommy. Her work will appear in two new parenting anthologies in 2015.