8 Life lessons from a foxy Grandma

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Every night after I get the kids to bed I fire up my laptop and start click clacking away at some new story. And every night, right in the middle of the clicking and the clacking I start to wonder what my *favorite* bloggers are up to. My first pit stop in the land of Mom Blogs is ALWAYS Foxy Wine Pocket. Why? Because her work is smart and sexy, feisty and hilarious, and every bit what I aspire to be as a writer.

Seriously, you guys, you are in for a TREAT this week. I got Foxy.

If you are just tuning in, the House Guest series introduces emerging and established voices in the mom blogger world to the Housewife Plus audience. The writers featured here share their stories about parenting, marriage, and life in general. They are sometimes serious, other times funny, but always real.

8 LIFE LESSONS FROM A FOXY GRANDMA
By Kathryn Leehane Aka Foxy Wine Pocket

Asparagus-Bundle1

Last week, my Grandma gave me some delicious beans she had cooked up (she makes the best beans in the world, I kid you not). I placed them lovingly in an insulated bag and carefully positioned them in my car so they wouldn’t spill or be otherwise disturbed on my way home.

And then I found them yesterday. Still in the car, obviously ruined and fouling up my vehicle. This will forever be known as the Tragic Bean Incident of 2014.

I learned a valuable lesson the hard way. And it got me thinking about all of the other life lessons that my Grandma has taught me. ‘Cuz she is one amazing woman. Everyone should benefit from her wisdom, so I compiled a short (incomplete) list of life lessons that my Grandma has taught me and how she taught them to me.

  1. Be honest and direct. The first time I brought my husband (then boyfriend) home for a holiday meal, she not-so-quietly leaned over to my aunt and said, “I like him much better than the last one.” (Me too, Grandma. Me too.)
  2. It’s okay to break the “rules.” While shopping recently, she asked me to pull 7 stalks of asparagus out of the bundle. I told her that I thought you were supposed to buy the whole bundle because, rubber band. She replied that it’s sold by weight—so she could have her seven stalks. And so, she and I started an Asparagus Revolution right there in the grocery store. I’m working on our rebellion theme song.
  3. Don’t take any crap from anyone. She keeps a whistle by her phone. Anytime a solicitor calls, she blows the whistle as loudly as possible into the phone before she hangs up. (And then she laughs.)
  1. Use it or lose it. The day after her 94th birthday, she went gambling at a nearby casino. She used the money she got from recycling her aluminum cans.
  2. Be hilarious. Recently after I came home from a business trip, she asked me if I got “pissy-eyed drunk.”  When I told her that I may have imbibed a little, but I didn’t do anything stupid, she replied, “That’s good. Because I’d hate to visit you in jail. Hospital, yes. Jail, no.”
  3. Express concern for those around you. When I talk to her every Monday morning, she asks me if I have the weekend flu. (That’s the “sickness” her neighbor used to get after drinking too much alcohol all weekend long.) She always seems a little disappointed when I tell her I don’t.
  4. Find creative solutions to your problems. My Grandma suffers from back pain. She recently told me that she’s been thinking about trying some marijuana. In fact, she has some in her freezer RIGHT now. (I think she’s on to something. And my sciatic nerve is flaring up again.)
  5. Shop until you can’t shop no more. I take my Grandma shopping weekly. Last week, we went out for five straight hours. We attacked 4 stores, ate lunch, and went to “peruse the case” at the local bakery. Then I checked in to see how she was doing and if she needed a rest. She replied, “I’ll rest when I die. Let’s keep shopping.”**

**To my darling husband, from this you can infer three things: 1) Shopping is my destiny. 2) It’s not my fault; it’s in my genes. 3) It’s not going to get better anytime soon.

P.S. If you like those stories, you’ll love some of the other funny stuff she says. Like the time she flipped me off (okay, I may have started it) and all of the other
Grandma-isms.

FoxyBIO: Kathryn Leehane is a mom and a writer living in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and two children. She writes the humor blog, Foxy Wine Pocket, where she shares twisted stories about her life as a mother, wife, friend, and wine-drinker in suburbia. Irreverent, inappropriate, and just plain silly, Kathryn strives to make you spit out your drink with every post. In her down time, she inhales books, bacon, and Pinot Noir, and her interests include over-sharing, Jason Bateman, and crashing high school reunions. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Sarah Cottrell

About Sarah Cottrell

Maine-based writer Sarah Cottrell is the voice behind Housewife Plus at the Bangor Daily News and is a regular contributor to Disney’s Babble and Momtastic. She is a co-author in six books including I Still Just Want To Pee Alone from the New York Times Bestselling series. Sarah’s work has also been highlighted and featured by SELF Magazine, National Public Radio, Washington Post, and VICE Tonic.