Hell hath no fury like a preschooler bored

[Tweet “Hell hath no fury like a preschooler bored”]

furyBefore I reveal the epically ridiculous stunts that my preschooler committed today while visiting his grandparents let me first give a round of applause to my mother and father in law for not disowning my frightfully inventive four-year-old and me. Thank you (one hundred thousand fold!)

It has been raining for days. Or years. Or centuries. And we have cabin fever around my house. My mother-in-law very kindly offered to host us for a day to give us a break from the regular scenery of PBS and piles of laundry. I packed the kids up and drove the half hour of country roads to get to her house on the coast.

…her very beautiful Pottry Barn house on the Maine coast that sports a gorgeous brand new kitchen. People, I am talking about the things Pinterest pins are made of here.

The kids had pent up energy and a new background of fun attractions that are not as worn or childproofed as they are at home. Everything is shiny and clean and breakable. Why is everything freaking breakable, Grammy?!

With in minutes my heathen children set out to destroy whatever integrity I had as a mother. What happened left me stunned enough to demand a glass of wine by 3:00 pm this afternoon.

The Brand New Counter Tops
My mother in law spent a great deal of time and money on redesigning her kitchen. This is a woman who whips up crab cakes on a lazy afternoon. She makes Martha Stewart look like a fraud. Her new kitchen has miles of sumptuous oak countertops that have been varnished to enhance the natural color.

My son scribbled on them with a sharpie. A SHARPIE! I damn near had a heart attack. My mother in law was remarkably (and kind of eerily and maybe a little bit scarily) calm about it.

The Brownies
Because it was a lazy day and because my mother in law is brilliant in the kitchen, she whipped up some brownies for everyone. Of course she did. This woman lives to be a grandmother for crying out loud.

After the daring adventure in graffiti art, my son was told that he could not have a brownie until he earned it by following directions until this and that and the next thing happened.

So the little punk waited until no one was looking and then he dragged his little fingers across the entire pan.

Repeating Something Embarrassing That Mom Said
By the end of the day my brain was totally frazzled. My kid was obviously having a tough day and this not being able to run around like a crazy goon for a few hours was clearly getting the best of him. While I was chatting with my mother in law about dinner and bedtime plans I stupidly said, “You know, I don’t care what my husband says, we are ordering pizza tonight and that is that.”

Not 15 minutes later my husband came through the door to pick everyone up to go home, and do you know what my verbose little monster said? “Dad, we are having pizza tonight and I don’t care what you say about it. That is that. Mom said.”

As if defacing Pottery Barn and spreading his licky germs all over a pan of brownies were not enough, he sassed his dad too.

Fingers crossed the sun comes out tomorrow. Because oh me, oh my! We are in for it!

Sarah Cottrell

About Sarah Cottrell

Maine-based writer Sarah Cottrell is the voice behind Housewife Plus at the Bangor Daily News and is a regular contributor to Disney’s Babble and Momtastic. She is a co-author in six books including I Still Just Want To Pee Alone from the New York Times Bestselling series. Sarah’s work has also been highlighted and featured by SELF Magazine, National Public Radio, Washington Post, and VICE Tonic.