Crawling after my toddler with no pants

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Everyone loves a poop story, right? Well, if you’re a parent you do and chances are you probably have a few of your own to share! This week I have the delightful Toni Hammer from Is It Bedtime Yet? fame! She is sharing a hilarious story with us about…well…poop!

If you are just tuning in, the House Guest series introduces emerging and established voices in the mom blogger world to the Housewife Plus audience. The writers featured here share their stories about parenting, marriage, and life in general. They are sometimes serious, other times funny, but always real.

poop

CRAWLING AFTER MY TODDLER WITHOUT PANTS
By Toni Hammer

I guess the title is misleading. It makes it sound like my toddler wasn’t wearing pants. And he wasn’t. But I really want to explain to you why I didn’t have pants on while crawling after my toddler.

It all started with poop. The best stories do.

Both kids were in my lap as we watched “Let It Go” on YouTube for conservatively the 812th time that day. I still like the song, they kind of sit still, and Lillian is adorable when she sings along. She does the hand motions too. It’s great.

So we’re all sitting, watching the computer, when I smell something. Oh geez, one of the kids pooped. There went that cute moment. Well, I’ll just wait until this is over.

“Let it go, let it go…”

Why is my leg wet?

I look down, and Levi had managed to not only poop, but somehow completely miss the diaper. I don’t even know what happened. Sometimes the stars are aligned just right, the diaper’s on just wrong, and everything comes pouring out.

Now I’ve dealt with a lot of poop in my two years of motherhood, but getting pooped on always sends me into a fight or flight mode. What do I do?!

Honey, I need you to take Lillian.

Luke turned around to ask what had happened, then saw the pile on my leg. Oh. Right. Lils, come here for a sec…

With Lillian off of my lap, I grab Levi’s feet with one hand, hold him against my chest with the other, and run to the bathroom in a kind of chair pose shuffle walk. Once there, I toss a towel on the floor and put Mr. Poopy Butt on it. I then have to shimmy out of my jeans so I don’t get poop on me, him, or anything else–a task easier said than done. Levi is pretty amused by this and sits watching from the towel while taking copious mental notes to use against me in the future no doubt.

Finally I get my jeans off and it’s time to clean him up. Only problem is the wipes are in the living room. That’s where everyone keeps them, right?

I take off his semi-soiled diaper, pick him up, grab another towel, a diaper, and head back into the living room. I lay him down on the towel, reach for the wipes, and he’s off!

He is crawling as fast as he can, naked brown-smeared butt defiantly wiggling at me as he heads to the kitchen.

Levi!

In actions that only made sense at the time, I began to crawl after him…

…without pants on.

I was a 31 year old woman, without pants, crawling after my completely naked son.

And this is motherhood. What to Expect needs more of these stories and less diagrams.

tonihammerBIO: Toni Hammer never planned on having kids, but she’s now a stay-at-home mom to Lillian and Levi who were born 355 days apart because the universe has an awesome sense of humor  She chronicles her mommy misadventures at Is It Bedtime Yet? and a book of the same name is being pitched to publishers right this very second. She’s a Scary Mommy staff writer, Huffington Post blogger, and expert Top Chef watcher. If you’re a fellow social media addict, you can find her trying to be funny on Facebook and Twitter. She loves food she doesn’t have to cook, and drowns her mommy guilt in copious amounts of coffee and Diet Coke.

Sarah Cottrell

About Sarah Cottrell

Maine-based writer Sarah Cottrell is the voice behind Housewife Plus at the Bangor Daily News and is a regular contributor to Disney’s Babble and Momtastic. She is a co-author in six books including I Still Just Want To Pee Alone from the New York Times Bestselling series. Sarah’s work has also been highlighted and featured by SELF Magazine, National Public Radio, Washington Post, and VICE Tonic.