If my toddler had a concert rider

Housewife Plus author Sarah Cottrell

Housewife Plus author, Sarah Cottrell

We have all heard the ridiculous stories of Madonna and her 20 international phone lines sitting next to bowls of green M&M’s in her dressing rooms or Iggy Pop and his seven dwarfs a la Snow White. Sure, these demands seem excessive but they also sound a little familiar to the demands I get in my house every single day.

Can you just imagine for a minute what would happen if a toddler was allowed to draft a concert rider? I don’t about your kids, but mine would demand the following:

1) Let the dog take a bath with me.

2) An industrial sized gumball machine in my bedroom.

3) Only ketchup for dinner.

4) A pet megaloden shark in the backyard.

5) No more having to wear clothes.

6) Unless “clothes” is a superhero cape, cowboy boots, and a scuba mask.

7) Read the same bedtime story exactly 19 times before bed.

8) When Mom says, “NO!” Then Dad must say, “YES!”

9) I can pee in the houseplants if it’s too cold to pee outside.

10) Only Jello for dinner.

11) My little brother has to go live with Grandma.

12) I can pull the dog’s tail. And ride him like a horse.

13) Also, I need a horse.

14) The bathtub should be filled with all the toys from my room.

15) Bubbles should blow from every room all day long.

16) I can watch Disney movies on repeat. Forever.

17) I can use mom’s phone to take pictures as much as I want.

18) A Lego car the size of a real car.

19) The Disney castle must be relocated to our backyard.

20) Only popsicles for dinner.

21) I can shoot water guns in the living room.

22) Diapers are optional.

23) I can put all the things in my mouth. At least once.

24) Climbing in the dryer is totally allowed.

25) The kitchen trash is actually “treasure” and I can fish out whatever I want.

26) Hair gel, nail polish, toothpaste, and ketchup may be used as paint for the walls.

27) Bed time is more of a suggestion than a direction.

28) Only red lollipops with the tootsie centers for dinner.

29) A rope swing in the bathroom to jump into the tubby.

30) A team of ninjas to accompany me for play dates.

Thank goodness my kids are not super rich or super famous because I’d be screwed.

Sarah Cottrell

About Sarah Cottrell

Maine-based writer Sarah Cottrell is the voice behind Housewife Plus at the Bangor Daily News and is a regular contributor to Disney’s Babble and Momtastic. She is a co-author in six books including I Still Just Want To Pee Alone from the New York Times Bestselling series. Sarah’s work has also been highlighted and featured by SELF Magazine, National Public Radio, Washington Post, and VICE Tonic.