Glamping, more oxymoron than portmanteau, is a term that combines the words and concepts of glamour and camping to form “glamping,” which is a truly obnoxious way to miss the point of camping altogether.
As a Maine native and avid camper, I cannot imagine complicating the task of sleeping outside with an unnecessary need to bring all the accouterments of a spa or resort. People, we’re talking about peeing outside and cooking over a fire. So imagine my consternation and — let’s be honest — amusement when I searched for “glamping essentials,” and Google showed me the following ridiculous items that “glampers” would need should they find themselves in the great Maine woods.
Tools are helpful
You’ll need a sharp knife like this “Hand Forged Steel Cheese Knife Set from Smith Shop Detroit” and sold on Goop for a bargain price of $800. Because when you’re in the woods how else will you cut the cheese?
Food is pretty much required
You’ll need some food like this handy dandy prepackaged and super over-priced, precooked “Wild Sockeye Salmon Lightly Smoked with Lemon Pepper” for $48. Because why go fishing or bring the ingredients for a making a burger, right?
A place to put your food
You’ll need a cooler, but it can’t be spelled with a “k” or look like something an average person would use. Google says glampers need the “YETI Coolers TUNDRA 45 2016” for $349.99.
A roof over your head
You’ll need a tent, obviously, but not just any tent since you’re glamping. You will need to sleep in a giant bubble. Literally. For example, this “Brand New Stargaze Outdoor Single Tunnel Inflatable Bubble Camping Tent” for $1,890 will allow you to see nature without actually having to touch it.
Glamping shoes are a MUST HAVE
You’ll need some good shoes. And by “good” I mean that, though you may be camping, there is no excuse for lack of couture fashion. So, it was no shock that Google suggested the Hermes ladies’ ankle boot in Epsom calfskin for $1,625. Personally, I wouldn’t hike in these, but I might use them as a down payment on a camper.
Is there wifi in the woods?
If you’re going to drop some change on those dainty hiking boots, then you will certainly need to Instagram yourself wearing them, which brings us to the next outrageous essential glamping item, this “weBoost Drive 4G-M Mobile Signal Booster w/Trucker 3G Antenna Spring Mt” for $437.98, which is really a deal since you’ll only use this once.
A place to rest your head
Half of the fun of camping is sleeping outside. But since you’re not camping — you’re glamping — then half of your fun will be in shelling out $1,119.95 for a high-tech sleeping bag that is better suited for a mountaineer than your delicate lifestyle, which brings us to the Western Mountaineering Bison GWS -40 Degree Sleeping Bag.
Keep yourself clean as a whistle
Why swim in a lake to feel that marvelous clean that can only come from a natural body of water? Because you’re glamping, that’s why. You’re going to need the Camping Shower Tent Portable Utility Shelter Room Outdoor Solar Water, which is a cheap $356.99.
I don’t know that people actually glamp to this extreme (wait, do they?!), but if they do then the whopping total for this one glamping trip would cost $5,779.91.
I’ll be over here with my $30 Target sleeping bag and ziplock of gorp getting excited to sleep outside — on the actual ground.