Dear Obnoxious Neighbor with the Explosives on the Fourth of July,
We get it, the Fourth of July is a holiday in which you get to drink all the beer in your deck fridge and light off a bunch of explosives. That must be exceedingly fun…for you.
But guess what? Most of us are not thrilled with your obnoxious need to ruin everyone else’s festivities.
Since when did being patriotic mean being obnoxious in public? The Fourth is not about carousing around with the sounds of celebratory gunfire a la the Wild West, this is a civilized state with people who want to enjoy the Fourth with some dignity, so please respect your neighbors who don’t want to listen to your private fireworks show and your drunken singalongs until the break of dawn.
In fact, just to be super clear, here are some other suggestions for you to consider for next year:
1) If you have a neighbor with small kids, then don’t light off fireworks after 10 p.m.
2) Likewise, dogs do not want to be freaked out until all hours of the night with your incessant need to shoot off one more round of Thunder Hawks Assortments.
3) If your neighbor is a veteran then have some respect for the fact there is a good chance he or she may be dealing with serious PTSD issues and may not be thrilled about having to listen to your private pyrotechnic show in your driveway.
4) Wildlife — even in residential areas — has been known to freak out and abandoned nests and babies when assaulted by the terrorizing sounds of fireworks.
5) You know what is more annoying than the loud bangs that won’t quit? The loud drinking that is going along with it. Seriously, put the beer and the lighter down. Go home, you’re drunk.
6) No, the neighborhood does not want to listen to your horrible garage band playing tone deaf patriotic tunes.
7) Quit sticking sparklers where they don’t belong. Like in betwixt your butt cheeks, on your head, in weird objects like a toaster or a mailbox. This isn’t a race to see who can out explodify everyone else, this is a national holiday, get some class, people.
Yes, this may be the land of the free, but that doesn’t give you cart blanche to be a socially inept neighbor.